Reality sets in.

Who am I kidding?

Hidden behind the pathetic facade I show up to school in everyday is a broken man. A man who has been stretched beyond his limit and who has no clear future direction.

For the past weeks I've been trying to put on a brave face to show everyone that I am strong and capable of overcoming the things happening to me. They've all been saying that it's my pride keeping me from becoming happy and that's been keeping the people I love from becoming happy. I reflect about my life everyday. It's one of the oh-so-annoying things about me. It bothers me so much that even if I've thought my life out for so fucking long, this particular problem just gets worse and worse through time. I can't even explain why the hell this is happening to me. Pride? I don't think so. I've been thinking about lowering my pride for so long and it all ends in a singular finality - me breaking down and begging for love. It's definitely NOT going to make thisngs better. I don't know if I'm just one blind and stubborn man, but in my head I definitely am not. Believe me, I'm trying EVERYTHING to rid myself of my problems.

Some people call me immature. I know some of my closest friends think the same way and just can't bring themselves to tell me. I understand how they think. Thinking in a different perspective, I definitely see the immaturity of my actions. I get it, the things I've done and the things I've said, especially during the past few months have been nothing short of irrational and sometimes downright stupid. Whenever people talk to me about other people who take things too seriously and act as if he or she were in a grade school love quarrel, I imagine them thinking the same way about me. I don't blame them, they're more likely right anyway. I know how pathetic I've become. I know how I've turned myself into a needy and explosive person capable of cursing people I love and fighting strangers for no apparent reason. My drinking problems have further complicated this problem. I believe my life is falling apart. In good times, this would not be a problem. But during these times, I don't think that there's anyone out there to save me from my fall. Not even my friends can. Immature, maybe. But I truly believe in what I think. I do what I do because it's what I feel is right at the moment. My life has never been this out of sorts before, and I can't seem to find a way out of the gigantic black hole I've made for myself. I need help, but there's no one out there to help.

She once told me that she doesn't even think I really know what "depression" really means. I laugh at that statement. If you only really understand how I felt, and how I feel. You just don't. I'd give any day of my life in exchange for a day of yours. Grabe. You say you feel so sad and you're the one depressed because of grades, but what about the other parts of your life? Don't you get it, things work for you. People are always there to help you - if you only knew how to utilize your special gifts. See I know you're just going to blast me and we're going to have another major fight if I told you this in person, but it's the truth. Sinasayang mo lahat eh. Hello. Kayang kaya mo naman kasi hindi maging depressed eh. Just focus more on studying diba. Not texting your way out of concentration every couple of minutes and eating with people you feel good eating with, foregoing your primary objective as a student. It's not like that eh. For me, you're making the wrong sacrifices. Maybe I'm wrong, pero if I were in your shoes, iba talaga gagawin ko sa buhay ko. Don't blame your problems on your "lack of talent" because you don't have that. Tangina look where you came from. Top of the pack in our course. You can't say na it was all luck and nothing else. You have potential. And for you to forego all of your dreams and shift - it's basically turning your back on everything. It's a quick fix - one that would get you your grades, but one which won't maximize your potential. Sayang talaga. If you only understood. Pero wala, you give all these reasons about bigger things in life, and how you've been opened up, and how you realize that there's so much more to life than our course and that you can do so much more outside the limits of the academic world. While all true, they're just kick-ass excuses to put into your head to make you feel better for your lack of focus now. Think 50 years from now and remember that your decision was a result of wanting to have more fun than work, wanting to be with friends than studying your ass off, and wanting to meet and mingle with people than sacrifice terms. I'm not saying that these are bad - I'm saying that I thought you were better than that. I thought we were going to stick it out until the end and celebrate at the pot at the end of the rainbow. I guess I was wrong. No happily ever after.

Stress has caused so much harm to my life. I've become so fat, putangina. Imagine this - I've gained 30 pounds since the start of the term. Thats 13 weeks, baby. 30 fucking pounds. And to make it worse, I wasn't even slim to begin with. Depression has driven me crazy. I'm not the same person I was at the start of the year. I definitely am broken. Yes, I can hear the jeers now. I'm the picture of a man sulking at his own problems and not taking control of his life. I'm the guy who just wore himself out worrying about such little things while having so much more to look forward for. I'm the guy who's not looking at the big picture and seeing all the possibilities. I'm the guy stuck in his own little world. FINE. Whatever you say. I am me, and for me, she is my life. She is what I live for. Pathetic, I know. But it's the brutal truth. A truth I can't get rid of, no matter how hard I try.

I am filled with so much anger and angst inside. For all the times I've become angry because of her or to her, I'm still here. I'm still that guy who is madly in love even if logic laughs maniacally at me. I'm the guy who's been clinging to a glimmer of hope all this time, that things would somehow turn around. I'm the guy who's been hiding behind a facade of happiness and kabastusan, to try and get rid of all the feelings inside. But who am I kidding? Only myself. Tangina you speak of me being malandi to so many girls? I won't stress anything about you anymore, since I swore not to backstab you. Pero come on, you should realize what the truth really is. Sino ba talaga ang malandi? I haven't gone out with anyone. I haven't watched a movie, I haven't watched a game, etc. Anyway. My point is. The things I've done, I've done to get over you. Surprise, surprise. Ang lakas talaga ng kamandag mo. No matter how hard I've tried, I'm still here. In square one. Trying to solve the puzzle that is you. My mind has been beaten. I realize, the people I text, I don't even like really. How about you? Same ba? I guess not. I'm kidding myself trying to get over you by trying to find other girls. It's my pathetic attempt to get back at you and prove that I'm better. I'm not, really. I will never be complete without you, and it saddens me that you never even stop and think about before. You truly are a heart breaker. I guess one of my friends was right in saying "Ganyan talaga siya eh, papaasahin ka tapos iiwanan ka lang bigla. Hindi ata niya alam kung gaano siya nakakasakit eh."

Game over? I truly don't know. For now, I continue trying my best to live my life without you. Inevitably, this problem would become bigger than it already is, I can feel it. I leave myself with a reminder - something another friend told me a week ago - "Tangina isang taon na yang problema mo, ganyan ka pa rin?" and hope that it snaps me out of my black hole once and for all.